A group of friends gathered at my house last night to have a party. The theme was “Death”, and what to do about it. Not your run of the mill party topic, granted, but an important one that is worth delving into.

After an awkward start, one friend spoke about her family’s anguish when her mother was rushed to the ER at the end of her painful battle with cancer. A decision had to be made about intubation. My friend’s orthodox Jewish brother needed to consult with his rabbi, while the rest of the family reluctantly agreed that the best thing was to let their dear mother/wife die.

According to the New York Times, most people would rather avoid the topic altogether, and trust that their loved ones will make the right decisions about treatment choices at the end of life.

These are conversations we need to be having with our loved ones.

The trouble is, most of us aren’t talking. The silence is another example of our ambivalence about death, our unwillingness to look it straight in the face...”

Death is a taboo subject in the US, since we all believe we’re going to live forever, thanks to miraculous medical technology. But do we really want to end up hooked up to machines that keep our bodies alive, while our loved ones agonize at our bedside?

Since I don’t want some young ER doctor making those types of decisions for me, at the party, I signed a New York State Health Care Proxy , as did most of my friends, mutually-facilitating the process by witnessing each other’s signatures. We talked about the limited nature of living wills, and why a Health Care Proxy is so much more flexible.

Death is never a pretty thing, but at least I can be in charge of making crucial decisions about my care. My health care agent knows my wishes, and hopefully, will have the courage to carry them out.

Naomi Cohen